I Have Things to Say and I Will Say Them…Maybe?

I hate public speaking which is ironic because half the time I cannot shut the fuck up. I speak what I mean and I try my hardest to mean what I say. See there is a proverb I often heard growing up which is “say it with your chest” and my mom made sure I embodied this in my interpersonal relationships. When I was younger I got in trouble for gossiping about another one of my peers, not because I was talking shit but because I wasn’t being honest with the person who I was talking about. See my mom had many wise gems and one of them was “when you say things about someone be ready for that person to hear it.” As an elementary school kid, I wasn’t ready to deal with the ramifications of my actions I just wanted to fit it and pile onto what was already happening. This pissed my mom off because for one thing she was raising a leader not a follower and for another one thing she couldn’t stand as an adult was a two-faced person so she for damn sure was not about to let her baby be one. So I got in trouble and was forced to tell the girl I was talking about how I really felt. I hated this! As I type this, I remember feeling so annoyed because why could everyone else do something and I couldn’t. Why did I have to live by a moral code or something I didn’t fully get.

As adult, I love that this happened because that girl did find out what was being said and because I expressed how I felt upfront there was limited beef. I also felt empowered to express how I felt in a way that was effective in getting my point across without needing to be rude or mean. This is a quality I carried into adulthood and has sometimes gotten me into arguments with people who have not experienced that skillset. In my interpersonal relationships, I can be bold and speak my truth, but in professional settings where I am turned to as a spokesperson or an expert, I freeze. I get nervous. My heart starts to race and I feel like I could pass out on the spot. My words come out jumbled and my teeth start to clack uncontrollably. I feel like an idiot because often when this happens everyone around me seems to be in control and I am left barely treading water.

I think this is in large part due to facing repeated racist attacks from teachers growing up. As a kid I often felt unheard and challenged by them. I was never meant to be smart but unlucky for them my mom was hell bent on teaching me to keep my head held high. Though even with this encouragement, I think because I am so used to being challenged on my intelligence, I discount myself before anyone else has a chance to. This is deeply frustrating because I know I am smart and capable but sometimes I don’t present that way. I know public speaking is a common fear, but I always feel alone in my experience. I feel like everyone who says they are bad at public speaking are actually really good at it and never suffer the way I do. They always manage and I never seem to. Recently, at work I was called to speak and I deadass wanted to fake having computer issues. I was so bad and I felt so horrible after. Now, for context, I have been in public speaking classes before and I have tried time and time again to put myself out there. I intentionally take jobs where I know I will have to speak in front of a crowd. I don’t turn down offers because of my fear and I try not to limit myself even when I really want.

When I explain my predicament to people they are often shocked because as I said before I cannot shut the fuck up sometimes. I do have water placements and I love a good yap session. I quite literally was born talking so much so that my mom always knew when I was actually sick as a kid because I was silent. I used to speak to everyone when I was little and despite my earlier story I did have a robust friend group. I still have a solid friend circle to this day and while I have become more discerning with who I give my energy too, I love connecting with people. I think thats I why I pick jobs that offer some form of community. I like being able to learn from others and I appreciate that everyone has a story. Some of the best moments in my life have been hearing someone share a part of their life with me and in turn I share a part of myself back. Maybe this comparison of connecting with people in everyday life is unfair to compare to work where speaking is very structured. Though, I often work for companies that are creative and focused on DEI efforts, speaking is still done through a capitalistic lens and not the same as striking up a conversation with someone because something about them stands out. A few weeks ago I randomly started talking to a Barnes and Noble employee about KennieJD, a YouTuber, at the check outline because we got on the topic of movies. I like little moments such as that and maybe an issue is that I keep trying to downplay that method of communication in a work setting. Or maybe the issue is that work is not the same as those moments so why bother trying.

I think my only solution is to keep trying and live with the painful bits. When I look back on my life, I unfortunately have regrets and often they are rooted in not living as boldly as I want to. I often wish I had spoken up more and was less caring about what other people think or how they perceived me. Queen Po often speaks about wisdom and knowledge being within and I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately to determine what that means for me. To tap into my knowledge base and now it is true because I have lived it. To not question my own intelligence because who cares what others think. I cant say for certain that I will never struggle with public speaking but I can continue to be less hard on myself and give myself grace when it is do. Allow myself to figure it out and let that process be messy or fun or wild but ultimately lively bolding as I want to be.

Image credits - https://www.pinterest.com/pin/368028600814899871/